Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

About Jim Gaffigan:

James "Jim" Christopher Gaffigan is an American stand-up comedian, actor, voice-over artist, and author. His humor largely revolves around fatherhood, observations, and—most notably—food. He is also regarded as a "clean" comic, using little profanity in his routines. He has had several successful comedy specials—including Mr. Universe and Jim Gaffigan:Obsessed, both of which received Grammy nominations. His memoir, Dad Is Fat (2013) and his most recent book, Food: A Love Story (2014), are both published by Crown Publishers. He co-created and currently stars in a TV Land television series based on his life called The Jim Gaffigan Show.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having ...

Jim Gaffigan

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to b...

Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this b...

Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

Jim Gaffigan

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of ...

Jim Gaffigan

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.

Jim Gaffigan

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

Jim Gaffigan

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Jim Gaffigan

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. ...

Jim Gaffigan

Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is is anothe...

Jim Gaffigan

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

Jim Gaffigan

I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.

Jim Gaffigan

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

Jim Gaffigan

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and...

Jim Gaffigan

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Jim Gaffigan

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

Jim Gaffigan

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

Jim Gaffigan

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

Jim Gaffigan

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a bet...

Jim Gaffigan

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Jim Gaffigan

Author Bio

  • NameJim Gaffigan
  • Descriptioncomedian, actor, author
  • BornJuly 7, 1966
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionScreenwriter; Film Producer; Television Actor; Film Actor; Actor