Quotes by Jay London

About Jay London:

Jay London is an American stand-up comic, whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's Last Comic Standing. Although he did not win either of the two seasons in which he appeared (Seasons 2 and 3, both in 2004), his humble personality and clean comedy made him a favorite among the show's fans.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

Jay London

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

Jay London

I saw a stationery store move.

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

Jay London

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

Jay London

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Jay London

You know what burns me? Matches.

Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

Jay London

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

Jay London

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Jay London

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Jay London

Author Bio

  • NameJay London
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian
  • BornSeptember 12, 1966