Quotes by Jarod Kintz

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I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

Jarod Kintz

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

Jarod Kintz

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

Jarod Kintz

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

Jarod Kintz

A can of tomato juice is not like a can of blood. Still, I drink one daily.

Jarod Kintz

Viagra increases bloodflow to the penis, but what drug increases bloodflow to the brain?

Jarod Kintz

If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it did, I’d stand up and say, “Lecture’s over.

Jarod Kintz

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

Jarod Kintz

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

Jarod Kintz

I pet my cat like a guitar, but I hold him like a stack of musical pancakes.

Jarod Kintz

Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!

Jarod Kintz

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.

Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see a politician give a speech on “Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

Jarod Kintz

She asked if she could have a word with me, and I replied, “So long as that word is yes.” If the word would’ve been no, I’d have said no.

Jarod Kintz

With a phone to each ear, I’m efficient. One mouth, two ears, and two phones, I can talk to two people at once—and listen to neither.

Jarod Kintz

I won a gold medal that day. I was a winner. Of course, since I was the only one competing, I was also a loser. It feels terrible coming in last place.

Jarod Kintz

I was standing in a slow checkout line at the grocery store, and a woman with a daughter in front of me struck up a conversation. About two minutes in, she mentioned that her daughter just turned eighteen. “Oh my God!” I said. “Have you been wa...

Jarod Kintz

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

Jarod Kintz

Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.


Jarod Kintz

I cried during Old Yeller. Not the part when the dog got shot, but in the beginning, just before the movie actually starts.

Jarod Kintz