A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call me the Molly Brown of the Brown-water Bathtub. Also, I hate ice in my coffee—and ice in the ocean.
I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her out to coffee, but she hinted there wasn’t a watch big enough to fit time with me in.
Your fork is my shovel. I eat real estate and I drink coffee.
A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.
The only woman I’d want to go on a blind date with is Helen Keller. Maybe we could meet for coffee and I could listen while she doesn’t all the talking.
I’m currently drinking a coffee cup full of yesterday and thinking about tomorrow. My past is so dark it makes me think my future could use some cream.
Coffee is the anti-sleep, and I drink it like I eat ice, because I’m thirsty—and hungry for alertness.
I couldn't be a doctor. I have no patience for patients, like I do silly puns. But I could be a barista, because I love coffee like I love sex—and that’s why I pay for it.
I always bring a stick of butter to a knife fight.
She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.
Alcohol helps you to loosen up to make memories you won’t forget, and then it helps you to forget them completely.
I was the last person to see her alive. The cops don’t believe me, because I saw her before I was born.
I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.
USA was founded in 1776. Or so I was told. I wasn’t actually there, so I have to believe the history books—the same history books that are full of American propaganda lies.
The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.
A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.
I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.
A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.
Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.
