I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.
I need either a small coffee or a large nap.
I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.
One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.
A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.
She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis. She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.
You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?
I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now I’m offering free coffee if you haven’t got a place to sleep.
The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.
I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.
My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it was not the sting of coffee I swigged with swagger. Bitter is better than what I tasted.
I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.
Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.
Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.
Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.
When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?
In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full. That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.
The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.
If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.
Her clothes were half off—a sale, not a strip tease. Watching her shop was as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, and that’s why I had a wad of dollar bills.
Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.
