Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

Jarod Kintz

I tried to raise my eyebrows in disbelief, but I forgot I’d packed away my eyebrows along with all my other winter clothing. My iced coffee was watery and warm with neglect.

Jarod Kintz

Buy one pair of pants and get a wallet full of cash for free. While I’ll admit they do have a coffee stain on the crotch, I can assure you it is caffeinated. Licking it kept me up all night.

Jarod Kintz

When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret not having spent more time cleaning. Buy brown carpet, to camouflage the coffee stains.

Jarod Kintz

If coffee is a drug, then I am a junky. And if coffee’s not a drug, then I’m still a junky. Damnit.

Jarod Kintz

I treat strangers like friends, friends like family, and family like strangers. And I make love like a cup of coffee that likes a cup of tea.

Jarod Kintz

In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn’t hear the question.

Jarod Kintz

12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.

Jarod Kintz

I went on vacation and it rained like coffee drip brewing. It must have rained several inches, and all in a concentrated area about the size of a coffee pot.

Jarod Kintz

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

Jarod Kintz

I called her twice, but she didn’t call me back. She’s more efficient than me, as she’s able to communicate without communicating. It’s sad, because I had two cups of coffee, and I was going to let her watch me chug both.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

Jarod Kintz

Her cold, dead body was as stiff as a mannequin, but that didn’t stop me from asking her to dance. I was confident that even as a corpse she’d still have more fluidity on the dance floor than the cup of coffee I’d just frozen and stuffed in my ...

Jarod Kintz

I made dinner reservations for two, because I like eating alone. And I drink coffee by the bathtubful—but only while simultaneously taking a shower.

Jarod Kintz

If I were handicapped, I’d travel by horse. Well, that’s assuming my wheelchair would be stable on the horse’s back. I’d be a coffee addict and porn historian.

Jarod Kintz

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

Jarod Kintz

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

Jarod Kintz

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

Jarod Kintz

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.


Jarod Kintz

I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture.

Jarod Kintz

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

Jarod Kintz