Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.
If I were an outlaw, I’d want to be “Most Wanted.” It’s good to be desired. I’d be honored to be shot at for a large reward, or a small cup of coffee.
When you meet me, the first thing you’ll notice is I have a firm handshake. The second thing you’ll notice is that I’m wearing oven mitts. I like my introductions hot, like my iced coffee.
He walked by, saw me and her standing there, and he said, “You’re such a pretty lady.” I said, “Thanks, man, I appreciate you noticing me.” I was upset when he didn’t offer to buy me coffee.
When rain comes down, the chance of rainbows goes up. Likewise, when my coffee goes down, I wake up. Hopefully I wake up in your bed.
Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.
I am the coffee Randolph in your zebra escapade. Drink of me as you would any other time you swallow caffeinated saliva.
It was dark in the alley, and I was afraid I’d get mugged. Coffee also fears it’ll get mugged.
I always carry around a spade, because I never know when I’ll have to dig my own grave—slowly. Give me coffee or give me death. Or sleep.
My high-performance hair is shaped like a sports car, and when I chug coffee it sounds like a jet engine. Women don’t find me attractive, but only because women don’t find me (I’m living off the grid).
Drinking coffee is like chugging a galloping racehorse, and that’s why I’m wearing this baby carrier on my back—to hold the jockey.
His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.
The swimming pool was drained of water. That’s why I went fishing in it. Go ahead, ask me what I did in your empty coffee cup.
I collect kitchens, one empty coffee cup at a time. I wish they made dishwashers that cleaned with dreams, not laundry detergent.
Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.
I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.
I listen to helloes at 65 MPH. Anything faster is just asking for a goodbye. I’m too love and in young to do anything but drink coffee out of a helmet, while wearing a helmet. Safety in all things, and all things in safety.
Snuggle time is my favorite time. Well, that and 12:34 and 3:33. And the time between when I take my first sip of coffee at 8 AM and when I finally wake up, at 5:00 PM.
He had sky eyes and sun hair and all the women loved him. And all I had was an empty coffee cup, full of sleepy hope.
If your breath smells like coffee, I might try to drink our conversation. Wake me up with the words you’re speaking.
Women, they’re great for keeping the bed warm and the coffee hot. They’re also good at other things, like my job, which is why I’ll soon be fired—which is a bit too hot for me.
