Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

Jarod Kintz

I’d kill every politician with a spoon, if I thought they had coffee for brains. But they’re simply not that intelligent, and I wish the people would wake up to that fact.

Jarod Kintz

I wear glasses. They improve my hearing, Helen Keller style. And I sip coffee like a mute orator on a meteor. Drink up the deafness.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a lot like coffee in that I can never seem to get enough of it, and hers is hot and mine is iced.

Jarod Kintz

I would be out of town, but every time I move, my home keeps relocating to where I’m at. My coffee is caffeinated, and my friends are either decaffeinated or nonexistent.

Jarod Kintz

I have a coffee table, but I don’t like it. I think it could use some more cream and sugar. Plus, it’s entirely too liquid to be a functional piece of furniture.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.

Jarod Kintz

Coffee is made from beans. Burritos also have beans in them, although I’ll admit a burrito isn’t as drinkable as a cup of coffee.

Jarod Kintz

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

Jarod Kintz

If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours.

Jarod Kintz

I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness.

Jarod Kintz

Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist.

Jarod Kintz

Coffee has a way of waking my soul, much like drinking liquid heaven would.

Jarod Kintz

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, is there anything better? Only if literature were liquid and drinkable.

Jarod Kintz

I’d pour the Milky Way in my morning coffee, just to wake up my inner universe. Your love is all the sugar I’d need.

Jarod Kintz

I’m grateful for what you’ve done—and I’m ungrateful for what you haven’t done. A cup half full of coffee is also half full of sleep.

Jarod Kintz

I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

Jarod Kintz

Her hair was the color of coffee without cream, and she fell in love with me when I poured sugar on her. Probably.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

Jarod Kintz

I like my water on the rocks, and I like those rocks to be in a mountain stream. That’s how I like my coffee too, fresh from a glass of whiskey.

Jarod Kintz

Coffee and Saturday go together like me and Suzy McKloozy went to prom together. We didn’t, and they don’t.

Jarod Kintz