Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

Jarod Kintz

Check the couch cushions for change—and hope. I drink my coffee raw, straight out of the ketchup bottle.

Jarod Kintz

An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.

Jarod Kintz

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it? 

Jarod Kintz

Give me coffee or give me death. Or if not death, at least let me sleep a little bit longer.

Jarod Kintz

One cup of coffee is all it takes to conquer the world.

Jarod Kintz

I drink coffee like I make love, only I’m more awake with the coffee.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

Jarod Kintz

Instead of cream, I like fog in my coffee. Makes me feel like I’m drinking the mystery that is love.

Jarod Kintz

The leaves are orange, her hair is orange, and my mood is blue. That reminds me, I really do need to make some more coffee.

Jarod Kintz

I drink coffee with a spoon. It’s like soup, only less sleepy.

Jarod Kintz

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

Jarod Kintz

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and go lick the carpet where I spilled some earlier.

Jarod Kintz

Midgets smell like small, and I’m in the mood for a medium, like a large coffee from Starbucks.

Jarod Kintz

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

Jarod Kintz

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

Jarod Kintz

Coffee smells like how I imagine heaven will be scented. Would you like to spend eternity in my nose?

Jarod Kintz

I like my cakes nude, like I like wearing coats made of icing. I sweat hot coffee, so I wear cream deodorant. If you’re tired, you should lick my armpits.

Jarod Kintz

I’m probably the best love you’ve never had. And why is that? Oh yeah, because I’m in a relationship with a tall cup of coffee.

Jarod Kintz

I travel by foot. It’s like a wheelchair in a microwave it’s so easy to camel. I sleep on a pillow made of coffee, and I’d ask you to turn out the light when you’re done torturing your albino captive.

Jarod Kintz

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

Jarod Kintz