My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.
A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.
Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?
Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.
How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like a cat.
I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the sta...
Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of manure are smarter than dogs, and make better best frien...
A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this way. However, tongues can also be cleansing agents, making the most of a hairy situation. Cats are masters at using their ...
Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be lo...
I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.
I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.
I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.
If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.
There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy.
I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it isn’t right and it pisses me off. I was backstabbed by myself.
I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.
My first coaching experience led to a 77-0 defeat. But that’s not so bad, considering I taught the team one important thing: the value of cheating.
I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?
Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal out leaving me unequal to the task of choosing.
I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then I’ll hear myself say, “Hi, I’m from the future, and I’m here to destroy you.” But that is irrational. The future me isn’t out to ...
I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer.
