Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the salesperson wore pants. The curious thing is that the prospective customers were being sold a foreskin, and only one out of ten p...
We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?
When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows whether Yesterday or Tomorrow washed their hands aft...
I had a dream about you. You were a burlesque dancer in a burlap sack, and I was a first-time kidnapper. I wanted to be rich in dance moves, and I thought the best way to achieve it would be to extort it from your talented family.
I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to be a better weatherman. But I didn’t listen, because I was the arrogant five-time M...
I had a dream about you. We made love for what seemed like eternity, but was probably closer to forever. You were happy, I was happy, the judges were happy, and everybody in the audience was happy except for this one jerk who accused me of using perf...
I had a dream about you. You were sipping wine, and I was chugging vodka. I was talking to a beautiful woman, and you were trying to lick my armpit. You had a rough tongue, and I woke up to find my cat curled up next to me.
I had a dream about you. I was lonely and you were lonely, and you suggested that we could be lonely together. But I just scoffed because if we were lonely together, we wouldn’t be lonely. So I wandered off to be by myself. Then I got hit by a truc...
I had a dream about you. We were checking in to a haunted hotel, and you said you forgot your toothbrush. I told you my left pants pocket was empty if you wanted to clean your teeth with that, but you said you’d rather suffer through halitosis, bec...
I had a dream about you. You were wearing an ice cream cone for a hat, and I was wearing a dunce cap. You were jealous of me because my hat was a bigger cone than yours, and I was jealous of you because your hat was edible. In the end we decided to t...
I had a dream about you. You were talking on the phone like it was a banana, and my body was cramping up due to low potassium levels. I tried waving at you to get your attention, but I wasn’t wearing any pants so you probably didn’t notice me.
I had a dream about you. You were a bestselling author, and I was a bestselling author seller. You called me a slave trader, but I called myself an agent.
I had a dream about you. I was a giraffe, and you were a stripper using my neck as a pole. We made a great team, sort of like the 1987 Cincinnati Reds, minus the Pete Rose cheating scandal. Well, baseball called it cheating, but I call it enterprisin...
I had a dream about you. You were Mickey Mantle, and I was a fireplace without a mantle. I didn’t like baseball, so I kept telling you that you could do something productive with your life, like becoming a Tupperware salesman.
I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.
I had a dream about you. Before I shaved my beard, I looked like a cat. My facial hair accurately represented my political beliefs, and if you don’t agree, well you can just lick my asshole.
I had a dream about you. We were dissecting love like it was a frog. You were squealing, I was squeamish, and Professor Warmwind was breathing down my neck.
I had a dream about you. People didn’t understand our relationship. You were a birdwatcher, and I was a pair of binoculars. You may not have loved me, but your love passed through me, and that was good enough for me.
I had a dream about you. We were almost omniscient, seeing all the problems in this world. We noticed the scratch on my bumper, the ding in my passenger-side door, and the bloodstains in the trunk of my car. But we didn’t notice the biggest problem...
I had a dream about you. You were a cumulus cloud that looked like you, and I was a sky gazer waiting for you to get naked and rain all over my sunbaked body.
