Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Lie to me. Just to console my soul.

Jarod Kintz

Contribute to No More Lies Dot Org. Every dollar you donate will bring us 75 cents closer to the truth.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t belong to a political party, because I don’t feel invited.

Jarod Kintz

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

Jarod Kintz

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

Jarod Kintz

The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.

Jarod Kintz

If my name were Theodore Tiffany, my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I adore that idea.

Jarod Kintz

The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car and stole the bottle.

Jarod Kintz

See men run. Semen swim.

Jarod Kintz

How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to kill to get rich?

Jarod Kintz

My name is Mr. Raingold. But please, call me Money Showers.

Jarod Kintz

Wealth—one billion, two billion, what’s the difference? The difference is one billion—the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.

Jarod Kintz

I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).

Jarod Kintz

At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.

Jarod Kintz

If I ever decide to kill you, you’d be the first to know about it. (And hopefully the only person to know about it).

Jarod Kintz

The outer bands of the tropical storm didn’t play as good of music as the inner bands near the eye did.

Jarod Kintz

I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a mixture of science and mysticism to transform losing into winning.

Jarod Kintz

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

Jarod Kintz

I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.

Jarod Kintz

When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?

Jarod Kintz

Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.

Jarod Kintz