The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to spend those hours is what separates us.
I think I speak for all the mutes when I say, “Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.
Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot.
Any celebrity will tell you there’s no money in being invisible. But any bank robber will tell you there’s all the money in the world to be had if you’re invisible. I want my body invisible, but my reputation and name highly visible.
Necessity is the mother of invention. She’s also my mother, though Invention and I have different dads.
I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!
Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.
I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.
Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight.
Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.
A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.
I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.
An award would be more prestigious if it came with a supplemental income for a year, so you could focus on repeating your title.
After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and doing nothing.
I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am.
A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying to live a long life by reading the ingredients of the foods you buy.
The best part about vomiting is that right after you do, you can continue eating.
Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.
At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night and decide for yourself.
When I go out to eat at restaurants, I don’t like chains. I prefer whips.
A figure 8 doesn’t figure into my plans to live to infinity.
