Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.

Jarod Kintz

Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.

Jarod Kintz

It is with great sadness that I blow my nose.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a dyslexic dancer. Instead of leading the women, I follow. Quick, cab driver, follow that woman!

Jarod Kintz

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.


Jarod Kintz

My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.

Jarod Kintz

You’ll know the economy is dead when industry stops and escalators turn into stairs. That’ll be the day slinkies take over the world.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.

Jarod Kintz

Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.

Jarod Kintz

When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.

Jarod Kintz

We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the miracle of cloning.

Jarod Kintz

My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.

Jarod Kintz

If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.

Jarod Kintz

I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.

Jarod Kintz

Design is body language for inanimate objects.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for me.

Jarod Kintz

I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.

Jarod Kintz

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

Jarod Kintz

I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.

Jarod Kintz

I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.

Jarod Kintz

The most environmentally friendly last name is Green.

Jarod Kintz