If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.
As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.
Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.
My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.
If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.
I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.
My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.
There are whiskers in my soup, and my spoon smells like my cat’s ass.
Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return, that is the path to spiritual prosperity.
18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.
I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.
No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People still make children the way they always have, though I am working on a product that’ll make the process 100% more efficient. It...
I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.
In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.
It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.
The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.
I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time.
Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.
Add smoke, not fire. You want to confuse your competition, not kill them.
When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.
I can provide a witness who didn’t see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn’t see me anywhere else either, thus showing that I didn’t exist at that moment in time.
