What I like most about reading is I can read in minutes what it took the author hours to write. What I like most about writing is readers can read in minutes what it took me seconds to write.
Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?
The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.
I saw two lizards kissing yesterday, but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.
Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve got to try. That’s what being in love is all about.
Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.
It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must have been loose whores.
My soul left my body, and my body left my clothes and went streaking through the streets.
The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.
I suggested to her that she start writing. "I can't write at all," she said. "Neither can many bestsellers," I replied. "But that pesky detail didn't stop them.
The judge said he was going to throw the book at me. I hoped it was an ebook in the cloud, and not a heavy dictionary.
It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)
The worst book I’ve ever read is “Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished it a year or...
I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next to my book.
Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.
The prospective buyer said, “Name your price.” So I replied, “OK, how about Ralph Isaac Papov?
My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.
The Road To Serfdom is about capitalism. That’s why on the side of that road you’ll find me, in a kiosk, selling ankle chains and handcuffs.
Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.
Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.
My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?
