Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.
I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!
If you’re from a town called Away, when you’re home, you’re Away. But when you’re away, you’re not home.
If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.
If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no Brad Pitt. So what is she after? Most likely it’s my horse cock.
Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.
I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.
I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.
I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.
I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.
I nearly ran him over after he ran out in front of my car. So I slammed on the brakes, rolled down my window, and said, “Do you realize I could have killed you?” “It was stupid of me to run out in front of you,” he said. “Yeah, it was,” I...
I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.
There’s nothing I like better than a beautiful sunset. Except maybe a gorgeous sunrise. And a naked woman painted pink and orange floating through the sky.
I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.
I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.
My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.
I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.
I found the skeleton of a caveman a few years back. Miraculously, it had skin and hair still attached, and amazingly my archaeological discovery actually talked to me saying, “Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?
I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.
I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.
Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.
