Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.
I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.
The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.
I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.
If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.
I want to leave a legacy. I'll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.
It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.
I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as it is for me to pretend to be me.
Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.
There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.
And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.
If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.
Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.
I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.
I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.
I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.
She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.
Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.
A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when I get out the Behavior Cloth (a blindfold).
North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.
