Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.

Jarod Kintz

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!

Jarod Kintz

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

Jarod Kintz

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

Jarod Kintz

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

Jarod Kintz

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

Jarod Kintz

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

Jarod Kintz

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

Jarod Kintz

How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?

Jarod Kintz

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

Jarod Kintz

If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.

Jarod Kintz

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets underneath their space suits.

Jarod Kintz

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.


Jarod Kintz

You don’t offend me. At least not until I change my name. Once I change it to Asshole, then I might be offended you keep calling me Jarod.

Jarod Kintz

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.

Jarod Kintz

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

Jarod Kintz

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

Jarod Kintz

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.

Jarod Kintz

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.

Jarod Kintz

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

Jarod Kintz