Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

Jarod Kintz

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

Jarod Kintz

A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.

Jarod Kintz

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me?

Jarod Kintz

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

Jarod Kintz

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.

Jarod Kintz

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.

Jarod Kintz

She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.

Jarod Kintz

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

Jarod Kintz

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

Jarod Kintz

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

Jarod Kintz

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

Jarod Kintz

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

Jarod Kintz

I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

Jarod Kintz

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.

Jarod Kintz

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was...

Jarod Kintz

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

Jarod Kintz

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.

Jarod Kintz

You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.

Jarod Kintz

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

Jarod Kintz

Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.

Jarod Kintz