Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics as intergalactic nano armies and the precise elevation at which a really tall building becomes a skyscraper, how wou...
The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.
Critique my better work only, because I want to get better from my best, not better from my worst.
I dance so fluid that I often drink the floor.
It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.
So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed out I’m going to be working.
Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!
I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out.
Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large cup?
I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.
Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of him?
I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.
Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.
Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your wetsuit?
I’m not descended from anybody. All my ancestors are ascending from me.
I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.
Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.
I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.
My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part of some combo meal somewhere.
I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.
I inherited my sense of passion and romance from the Romans. Specifically Nero and all the fire he possessed.
