I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.
For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.
If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in reverse.
People always see me writing and ask me if they can read my writing. The answer is yes, after I publish it and they pay for it.
People ask me all the time, “Jarod, how come you are so much more romantic than anybody else?” And I say, “Simple. I have brains, heart, courage, and most importantly, I have ruby red slippers.
Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).
Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.
Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful.
I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.
If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.
One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.
Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.
Most writers might as well write in invisible ink, because if what they’re writing is forgettable, it might as well be invisible too.
Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.
I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all of the sudden I had twice the dick in my mouth as before. It was almost more than I could swallow. Almost.
I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.
Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.
Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.
I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I have no job and no money. So please accept this stack of coupons instead.
Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?
