Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.


Jarod Kintz

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue
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Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to stop gun violence. Make sleep, not war.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to cool your drink, like a large ice cube.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.


Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he stands ideologically or territorially.


Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.


Jarod Kintz