Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower purchases is a true indication that a man loves a woman.
I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.
I bought a big brown stuffed animal. You know, for dinner.
I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).
My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.
After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose.
What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.
Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times.
If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.
Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.
I find honesty to be a rare thing—in politics.
I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.
The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.
How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?
Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?
I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I am as a person, not a genetically modified being.
Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.
It’s a lie. There isn’t safety in numbers. But there is safety in letters. There are only 26 letters, and yet they are more powerful than an army of infinite men. Show me a man or an army that can kill an idea, and I’ll show you an example of t...
You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?
I travel light. But not at the same speed.
I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined look like literature.