When you use your pen to think, you’re never wasting ink.
I second that notion. And if I had 59 more, I’d have a minute.
Don’t think for a minute that I can trust you with 60 seconds.
The locked door in my house is just a diversion. The real valuable items are out in the open, where they are hidden from the unimaginative.
Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.
Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.
I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing a gun that shoots love, not bullets.)
Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.
If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!
If you take away my office, how will I get no work done?
In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in History.
Dear Ford, I think my Ford Explorer door is broken. It just won’t close. I think this is because I don’t have the rest of the Explorer, I only have the door. It’s a passenger-side door, and I bought it from a passenger. Also, it doesn’t seem ...
Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m preparing to launch. Don’t mix it with milk. Pour it on formaldehyde.
I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.
I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?
If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.
If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.
