Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

What is man’s shared IQ? And more important, how thick should my body armor be to protect myself against it?

Jarod Kintz

If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel. So to repay them, I’d probably relocate all the urinals to inside the wind tunnel. That would teach those guys to never move my desk from the...

Jarod Kintz

I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.

Jarod Kintz

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

Jarod Kintz

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

Jarod Kintz

Sometimes looking like you know is better than actually knowing. People respect you, and defer to you, yet you don’t have the burden that comes with heavy knowledge.

Jarod Kintz

Greek 201 is always easier than Greek 101, because at first it’s all Greek to you, and later the material is still all new, but it’s not so foreign as it was in the beginning.

Jarod Kintz

I’m like a walking maze. Follow me.

Jarod Kintz

A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or more people.


Jarod Kintz

I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.

Jarod Kintz

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

Jarod Kintz

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

Jarod Kintz

I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is now.


Jarod Kintz

If I could have money for any amount of time, I’d take 12:59.

Jarod Kintz

I opened my wallet and gave him a coupon, hoping he’d open his wallet and give me money.

Jarod Kintz

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

Jarod Kintz

I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.

Jarod Kintz

Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.

Jarod Kintz

I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.

Jarod Kintz

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

Jarod Kintz

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

Jarod Kintz