I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.
Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.
Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its plastic wrapping before you’d finished opening all your other gifts.
A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.
A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another p...
Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.
I think it’s important to set goals for myself, goals for the future, goals that I’ll demand my clones achieve for me.
I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.
Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.
I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.
Accepting your help, I’m not doing it for me—I’m doing it for you. You need to help me more than I need your help, so I’ll help both of us win and take, take, take.
Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.
I don’t want a home, but I do want to buy a lot that I like a lot.
I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope.
If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like it was a circular shower handle, and toggle between hot and cold a few times. But I won’t get naked for you.
Don’t bother calling the cops, because nobody can find me here. I know, because after all these years, I’m still trying to find myself.
To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have harmed anyone, but since you added no value to life, are you really worthy?
I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.
Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.
When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.
I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.
