Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.
When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s full of hope. Grab a spoon, there’s plenty for both of us.
Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when you can sell your clone’s soul?
While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.
I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.
I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?
Get your head out of the clouds. Stop huffing the atmosphere.
I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.
Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead.
Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.
I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.
I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.
I’m more terrified of failure than rejection—so I’ll no my way to YES!
A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.
I’m thirsting for fame. I’m so fucking thirsty. Somebody bring me a tall glass of saltwater with a side order of desert.
I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.
Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.
I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and bananas. You should hear me make love. (I sound like an ice machine, but I’m as motionless as an empty ice cube tray.)
I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in the street?
You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.
Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.
