Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid, wait up a second! 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being non bricks, politicians are surprisingly very brick-lik...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much do I charge people to buy it once I do find a reliable source? 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t! 

Jarod Kintz

Bricks could be used to generate smiles among the general population. Just hand them out, along with handshakes, and say, This will make everything OK. And guess what? They’ll believe you. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and see how impressed everyone will be. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to foretell the future. Here’s my prediction: Tomorrow will happen. If I’m right, the brick was correct, and if I’m wrong, we’ll all be dead and my prognostication record remains unblemished. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants. 

Jarod Kintz

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water. 

Jarod Kintz