I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.
Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.
If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?
I bought you a box of karate chops, but it could be dangerous to open it with a knife. And cats are masters at getting into boxes, so here, try opening it with my portable meow maker.
I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them on their fabulous name.
I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.
My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.
I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the magical bonding that occurs between two people when duct tape binds them together for a long period of time in a dark basement. Refer a friend,...
I’ll never rest on my laurels. If I’ve got more than one Laurel in my bed, rest is not how I plan on utilizing my mattress.
Congress needs to act now. Seriously, leave Washington DC, move to Hollywood, and leave the rest of the country alone.
I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.
I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.
I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by it.
If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.
He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.
I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out and evaporate. Scotch on the rocks, anyone?
My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.
I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.
I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.
I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d just tossed out a Frank Gehry knockoff. What you call trash, I call architecture.
I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.
