Quotes by Jarod Kintz

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Let’s do a 50-50 deal, with me getting 75% of the profits, and you getting the other half. That’s how we can both get the most value out of a relationship.

Jarod Kintz

Certain people, people who are certain, are always wrong—and that itself is certainly wrong because it’s always always.

Jarod Kintz

His name was Chase, so of course I ran after him. I wasn’t stalking, I was giving name.

Jarod Kintz

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

Jarod Kintz

Once you finish having sex, what is there to do but start over?

Jarod Kintz

When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.

Jarod Kintz

My hobby is boxing up all my stuff and then unpacking it and pretending I just moved and I’m getting a fresh start on life. And I make love like a professional boxer, only without the head trauma or domestic violence.

Jarod Kintz

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

Jarod Kintz

The sky itches and that’s why I tickled it with the feather of a bird. Do you realize it’s been 14 days since two weeks ago? Boy, time flies.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a sound sleeper. Every time I hear a sound I wake up. Sometimes I envy Helen Keller.

Jarod Kintz

Life is getting weirder by the minute. Would you like to buy 60 seconds? No? How about buy one 30 seconds, get one half-minute half off?

Jarod Kintz

The watch I bought this year looks exactly like the watch I bought last year, only it’s lighter, because it’s got 365 less days in it.

Jarod Kintz

Time flows like a river, and we all wish we were like salmon that can swim against it. Life's too grizzly for it to be that easy.

Jarod Kintz

It’s Wednesday, and that means tonight I’ll be eating leftover Tuesday Salad. I should sprinkle a few Fridays on top, to improve the flavor.

Jarod Kintz

Love is timeless, like a broken watch. I got it off a dead guy, because I figured if he didn’t need it in life, he certainly didn’t need it in death.

Jarod Kintz

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Jarod Kintz

She said she was a loser, and I argued she was a winner. I won the argument, thus losing the argument because my winning made her a loser.

Jarod Kintz

Hockey started in Canada, but it won’t finish, because nothing is ever done. Only winners know that.

Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

Jarod Kintz

Who wants to give me a ride to work tomorrow? My only requirement is you wear roller skates and let me strap a crate on your back like a wooden roller coaster.

Jarod Kintz

In this sad world I can never be sure. Of that I am certain.

Jarod Kintz