A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison. Do they make sex-scented candles now?
I’m not a treasure hunter—I’m a treasure farmer. I grow quotes, and each person like Tim Fargo who tweets me is a thrill no shipwreck can match.
Liquid quotes are more drinkable. Make your writing as fluid as possible, so people can chug it in one tasty gulp.
They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.
It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it.
I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.
We no longer know each other. Hell, I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think, “Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?
Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.
The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.
I said I love you, but it was like the wind. It blew her hair around, and she blew me off as if I were invisible and fleeting. So I found someone who’d appreciate me—a kite flyer.
Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love.
I pack a chokehold when flying. How else am I supposed to get the bird to carry me? Apparently my love isn’t suffocating enough.
I’m late to dinner, but I’m early to being in love. I’m in the mood for a buffet kind of romance.
She doesn’t love me anymore. Good thing she does. Two shes, and only one I don’t give a shit.
Lying in bed listless, I wrote a list. I then had a list, but I was still listless. Perhaps because my list was of all the things I love, and every entry was you.
We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman.
I wrapped your birthday present in carpet, because I bought you a floor. It’s so you have something other than me to walk all over.
A scaly lizard in soapy water makes a great scrubber. I’d wash my hands of her, if I didn’t enjoy being treated like a dishrag so much.
The moment I saw her I fell in love. It was pitch black and I was wearing a blindfold at the time. Don’t just stand there like Helen Keller. Turn up the silence and say something.
I lick each envelope I mail, so I can taste the closure and anticipation of travel. If they tasted like ice cream, they’d match the love letters inside.
You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)
