I found a bra in a bar. Guess when? Anagram Night! It’s the one day of the year that’s truly for lovers. It’s also for a solver.
With math, I remember all of the words—and none of the numbers. I’m also like that with love.
A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a meatloaf kind of guy.
What reading level is the word love? It’s a four-letter word everybody knows the meaning of, but nobody can define it.
She forgot my name, so either I’m not important or she has amnesia. I wonder how long she’s suffered from dementia.
I went for a walk this morning because the evening was still asleep. Well technically so was I, but that didn’t stop me from exercising.
I shaved off a few seconds from my morning routine by not shaving off my facial hair. I’m growing a handlebar mustache for charity—and for something to hang on to while I ride my unicycle.
I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.
I’ve always felt like the Beastie Boys were three Gilbert Gottfrieds screeching at me, and I prefer fingernails scratching on a chalkboard.
To listen to Beethoven or not? I’ll just play it by ear—exactly like Beethoven didn’t.
There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the 90s. I was one of them, though mine was just a fender bender and I left before the cops showed up.
In elementary school, in my lunchbox, I used to pack a saxophone. I could have been a chef, a culinary artist, and all that jazz.
I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to do with me.
Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.
I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me.
How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me.
My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person.
A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality.
Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.
A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors.
Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.
