I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.
People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?
Nothing is the best thing I’ve ever not worn. Also, nothing is the best thing I’ve ever worn. Nudity never goes out of style.
If I saw a hitchhiker wearing a tie-dyed shirt, I’d assume he’s been waiting for a ride since the 1960s. I think that kind of patience is groovy.
String several words together in a sentence and you have a language necklace. My I love you would look great with your favorite red dress.
I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.
The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken.
I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.
I hid my feelings for her for years, and I thought all was well until my neighbor went digging in her garden and found them buried in the ground. I’m so embarrassed I could just watch one more episode on Netflix before going to bed.
I wish the military were the militerary. Less fighting and more reading.
We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?
It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.
Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.
I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it.
I arose like a rose, and this is how I knew I was in love. In the garden of life, I’m better off in your neighbor’s yard.
A rose is a mix of thorns with a flower, and is therefore half fuck you and half fuck me. If I gave you a dozen, would you fuck me 12 times?
I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there.
I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck.
Finger food, is that food you eat with your fingers, or is that where you eat your fingers? I’m starving, but I also want to play the piano, so I need to know.
Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.
Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.
