It’s not wise for me to extend a congratulatory handshake while your hands are busy clapping for me. I’ll wait for your applause to die down—or for my mother-in-law to die before we shake in friendship.
I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.
A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored.
I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.
I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.
I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?
I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love.
I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?
I like grape juice. Fermented grape juice—wine. It’s the drink of choice for champions. I know because I asked a bunch of winners.
I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.
The naked truth is the naked truth isn’t naked—it’s wearing see-thru clothing. My duty as a nudist is to let people see I’m transparent.
My love letter had so much ink that it weighed as much as a bowling ball, but it was emotionally heavier. That’s probably why she bowled a 300 with it.
The size of your sighs tell how deeply you’re in love. How I feel is very much like a stressed and distressed midget trying to breathe.
I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings.
Her smile energizes me as the sun photosynthesizes life. Our love grows daily.
A Toyota is not a toy. At least not a sex toy. However, my driving is both erratic and erotic. Tickets are ten dollars per passenger. Senior citizen discounts not available.
I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM.
There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking
With eyes closed, a kiss is genderless. Now that mustaches are in fashion, some women are finding more hipster love.
I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed.
I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.
