Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.

Jarod Kintz

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of the word palindrome, as well as the meaning of life.

Jarod Kintz

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

Jarod Kintz

My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?

Jarod Kintz

My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love.

Jarod Kintz

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

Jarod Kintz

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Jarod Kintz

Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating.

Jarod Kintz

There are two identical twins, and one has money and one doesn’t. Which one is more attractive to women? Exactly—the one that is naked.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?

Jarod Kintz

The sun would be better than a flashlight, except it doesn’t work at night. It probably needs to recharge its batteries from running all day.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.

Jarod Kintz

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

Jarod Kintz

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

Jarod Kintz

Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.

Jarod Kintz

I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.

Jarod Kintz

As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.

Jarod Kintz

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

Jarod Kintz

I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better.

Jarod Kintz

I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.

Jarod Kintz