I like cup holders—in cars, as well as in jockstraps. I would have played football, but the only helmet I had belonged to a bicycle that coach said was illegal on the field.
I once placed third in the Battle of the Fourth Places. There were only two other competitors, so I felt proud. My grandma and grandpa beat me, despite having been dead over five years.
Sharks are so sleek and streamlined. I’d make a terrible shark, because my balls are so big and dangly.
If I get famous, I’d seek employment in a wax museum—as a candle. If you fire me, make sure you blow me out before singing Happy Birthday.
Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.
Raw vegetables leave me overjoyed with raw emotion. My love for her can best be summed up with one carrot and a cheese grater.
Her coming alone made me want to Mannequin all over myself, but I managed to contain myself like a microwave dinner. Sometimes love is frozen until you get off your sofa to take action.
I call him by his first name only. We’re that friendly. Plus, with a last name of McGee, why would I ever bother calling him by his full name of Dicksmear McGee?
A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.
I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?
He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.
I sold ten bags of hellos for five bags of goodbyes. I’d say that’s a good profit. Or it was, before I blew all my goodbyes on ex lovers.
I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.
77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price.
You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.
I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I'll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)
I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.
Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.
I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.
I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.
I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.
