I was on my way to being on my way when I noticed a rainbow. That’s when I got out my fishing net to try to catch some trout.
I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly less honki...
I have moves like a go-go dancer mixed with Inspector Gadget’s go-go gadget legs. Do I detect you thinking not with your brain but with your Brain, in that you want to hump my leg?
I sprained my knee. I was Elbowing at the time. Elbowing is a new dance I invented for those random moments of romance that break out at funerals.
If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product to sell, but popularity plus exclusivity would just make people want...
Her last name was Purchase, and I was sold. I tried to buy, but as there was only one of her, she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.
There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.
I’m the winner of the “Best Interpretive Dance” for my adaptation of Joyce’s Ulysses into crunk. That’s cool and all, but you should see my Dostoevsky.
In high school I used to sing in the shower. None of the football players liked it, because they were all naked and I was in a tuxedo.
You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.
Some people don’t have a lick of common sense. I don’t have a lick of a lollipop. But I do have love on the tip of my tongue, so that’s good.
Is there any other time to be dancing alone to 50s music than 5 AM? I wish my grandpa thought so, because I’m trying to sleep in the ballroom.
It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.
The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.
I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy.
I vacuumed my piano, hoping to soak up the last of the concertos. I should sell musical sponges, for the lover in the kitchen in all of us.
I used to sell hellos by the wave until I found out Dark Jar Tin Zoo was reselling them on eBay as goodbyes. Now I’m a yawn distributor.
Driving at night, when it’s dark, it’s the best time to wear a blindfold. My bumper sticker says honk if you’re horny, so give me a beep or two.
I picked up a hitchhiker. Later on I picked up some common sense and soda. The soda was all-natural, like the hooker from earlier.
It’s easier to drink my hot coffee when I’m lying in it, naked, in my bathtub. There’s room enough for two, if you’re thirsty for my loving.
I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.
