Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Not only was she not around, but I wasn’t around myself. Unless I’m surrounded by my clones, I’m never around myself. 

Jarod Kintz

I exact revenge with precision. I’m very exact. 

Jarod Kintz

I could open my mail, but isn’t the mystery more fun? So you see, I’m not disorganized after all. I’m a romantic.

Jarod Kintz

Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right. 

Jarod Kintz

I’m not built for sales. I’m built for building things.

Jarod Kintz

If two heads are better than one, then think how brilliant committees must be.

Jarod Kintz

Once she told me her secret, it ceased to be a secret. Therefore, I was free to tell the world.

Jarod Kintz

My erection is made of iron, and metal detectors make me horny.

Jarod Kintz

I’m like Waldo, in that I’m trying to find myself. And I’m wearing a red and white striped sweater.

Jarod Kintz

When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.

Jarod Kintz

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like a can opener. Will you be my Spaghetti O’s? 

Jarod Kintz

I may not be a Love Machine, but I would like to have sex on a conveyer belt and be more productive with my reproduction.

Jarod Kintz

She had sexy legs. They were attached to her torso. Or maybe those were her arms. 

Jarod Kintz

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about. 

Jarod Kintz

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

Jarod Kintz

In times of flattery, the only sin is sincerity.

Jarod Kintz

I wasn’t fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking, and I’m not a speed walker.

Jarod Kintz

If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.

Jarod Kintz

When I’m exhausted, I can sleep through anything. One time I slept though a wall—and there wasn’t even a door or opening.

Jarod Kintz

Winter and spring blended together this year like ice in water, and I was left thirsting for love. I’d better lay off the saltine crackers.

Jarod Kintz