My friend had a few kittens she was trying to find a home for, but she was having no luck. They were super cute, so I decided to poison their water supply. A few days later they were dead, and her problem was solved. I should be a politician.
Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.
I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the taxpayers on travel expenses, but I could do my job without doi...
The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers, and Barney Frank’s tiny shoes...
I shot a cactus like a politician. But I didn’t care, because I didn’t vote for it.
The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my actions have directly increased the amount of beach in their b...
I saw an old woman walking in the rain, and rather than offer her an umbrella, I offered her advice. I said, “Rejoice in the rain. Pretend you’ve just exited the desert.” I knew my words impacted her because she shivered in delight. I should be...
The congregation at my church felt that our pastor was spending our tithing poorly. So I took it upon myself to divert the collection money to an offshore bank account of mine, while I sipped martinis on the shore with bikini-clad women. By removing ...
Just because I have two ears doesn’t mean I can listen to two people at once. Or one politician promising two opposable things.
I have an erection like a congressman—it just won’t quit.
Illinois makes silent noise. Loudoun County, however, has some of the highest decibel levels ever recorded by the Quiet Factory, since the political mouths in DC put them out of the whoopee cushion business.
Sure, politicians rob from us, the people—but only because it’s in our best interest. If they didn’t rob from us, somebody else would, and this other scoundrel wouldn’t even bother to wrap the theft in an American flag. So really we should re...
If instead of horns, unicorns had dildos on their heads, I’ll bet more politicians would try to find them.
My friend, coworker, and neighbor didn’t have a way to get to work, so he asked me for a ride. I told him he should just not show up, stay home, and collect unemployment for a not job well done (or a job not well done). I should be a politician.
SETI scans the stars searching for extraterrestrial intelligence, which pretty much rules out them ever finding an alien politician.
When nobody knows who you are, you have no power. But when nobody knows who you are, you have no weakness.
Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.
Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.
With a person I respect, I wash my hands before I shake their hand. With a person I don’t respect, I wash my hands after I shake their hand.
Relationships are like water. Sometimes they’re frozen, and sometimes you don’t have the foggiest clue where you stand.
Relationships are a give and take. You give, and I take.
