I wear a wedding ring, though I’m neither married nor engaged. I do it to warn off predators like cougars. And grizzly bears.
I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.
For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.
Nothing is going on under his skull. All his neural activity happens between his hips.
I’m not a lawyer, but I took the case. How could I resist? The case was full of cash and just sitting there.
Money I don’t earn is worse than money I squandered—because not only do I not have the money, but I don’t have the trinkets, knickknacks, vacation photos, or whatever else I could have left over in place of my money.
We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.
I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.
She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love Her.
I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.
Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.
I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.
If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.
With wisdom comes pain, but once you’ve got wisdom, you can’t just say, “Oh wow! I didn’t know knowing would hurt this much” and try to give it back. Once you know, there’s no going back to blissful ignorance.
You have to be patient, because I am not—and one of us has to be, so it might as well be you. And here, to help with your impatience, you can start being patient right now. Instant delayed gratification.
I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?
Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.
I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.
Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.
I believe the shortest path between two points involves an elaborate maze as the only option of travel, entry and exit fees, and forms and applications that must be approved before the journey can even begin. Oh yes, I’d make a good politician.
I’m here for the gangbang, and I brought the cream cheese. Has the political convention already started?