Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I hope I don’t run into the future today, knock on would.


Jarod Kintz

In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.

Jarod Kintz

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and smiles should be taxed (since they increase p...

Jarod Kintz

The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.

Jarod Kintz

Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?

Jarod Kintz

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Jarod Kintz

The worst part about clones is you could be both innocent and guilty at the same time. I didn’t do it—but I did, in the form of my clone.

Jarod Kintz

To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.

Jarod Kintz

She stole my heart, so I stole it back—plus some other items of value.


Jarod Kintz

Through a history book, I can time travel. Especially a history book from the future.


Jarod Kintz

I am a log, and last night I slept like a person.

Jarod Kintz

Flies travel like they’re named. Humans should be called Walks.

Jarod Kintz

You can’t argue with a stupid, ignorant person, no matter how long you stand in the mirror.

Jarod Kintz

I’m productive. I make things like directions. Mostly I just make things up.

Jarod Kintz

I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

Jarod Kintz

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

Jarod Kintz

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.


Jarod Kintz

To be the only one who knows is lonely. No wonder Solomon, the wisest man, needed 900 concubines.

Jarod Kintz

Right on cue, I figured out the letter that comes after P.

Jarod Kintz

Blessed are the organized, for they will gain everything that they’ll never lose. 


Jarod Kintz

My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.

Jarod Kintz