Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Jarod Kintz

The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.

Jarod Kintz

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

Jarod Kintz

My name is Monika Ora Moniker, but you can call me MOM. Or dad will do just fine. 

Jarod Kintz

My boy’s going to grow up so big and strong he’ll be able to beat up both his dad and his grandpa—at the same time. Though I hope he never has to do that. One at a time would be better. Starting with his grandpa.

Jarod Kintz

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

Jarod Kintz

Clothes are expensive. Save money and become a nudist. Remember: Fashions may change, but naked is always in style.

Jarod Kintz

I’m afraid of my shadow, and my shadow’s afraid of the light. That’s why Noon is my best friend, and I hang out with him at midnight.

Jarod Kintz

I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not an unproductive liar—I’m a productive fiction writer. I make stuff. I make stuff up. 

Jarod Kintz

My love grows long, and my smile is wide. My gaze is deep, and my penchant for making up words is apopleggio.

Jarod Kintz

You can burn down the building, and I won’t interfere or criticize. I’ll just say, “Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

Jarod Kintz

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

Jarod Kintz

I ate leftover karate chops, before they could smash through the Styrofoam container holding them.  

Jarod Kintz

I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?

Jarod Kintz

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

Jarod Kintz

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?

Jarod Kintz

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

Jarod Kintz

To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person’s not a little impulsive, they don’t have a pulse.

Jarod Kintz

Football is like a chess match—a chess match where you can beat the shit out of your opponent. 

Jarod Kintz

If love is free, I can afford it. Still, I’d much rather steal it. 

Jarod Kintz