He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.
I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need nearly as much room for cream.
Instant gratification is like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.
My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?
The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?
I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.
Communism: If nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything, there’d be no reason to work for something, because not only could you not have it—but you’d already have it.
I didn’t lose and let everybody else beat me so much as I made the race last. Last place means I had the most time to enjoy the experience.
Some people are born to be bronze medalists. And sometimes the only reason they get third place is because there aren't more competitors in the race to place ahead of them.
I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.
Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.
The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.
Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.
Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.
In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.
The other night my grandpa stopped breathing. I thought he was trying to set a world record for holding his breath, but after ten minutes of me cheering him on, he had to be boring and go and die on us and totally spoil our dinner. The good news was ...
Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.
When you were in the hospital, dying, I called your mom. I didn’t tell her you were gravely ill, but we did have phone sex.
Do you ever wonder if you’re the antichrist? I do. Not for myself of course, but I think you’re the devil.
Orafoura said to give love to the dragonflies. But only after you kill the dragons. And the flies.
A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.
