If you had to sacrifice three people to save six people, would you do it? I would—if the three were politicians and the six were teachers, inventors, artists, or anybody but lawyers, lobbyists, or central bankers. I'd even sacrifice six politicians...
People who are attracted to both people and inanimate objects might find that mannequins make the ultimate sex partners. I know I sure did.
The mascot for the New York Mets should be a handshake. But first, let me wash my hands.
If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.
Guttenberg didn’t write the Bible—he just printed it. Gideon didn’t write the Bible—he just placed it into every nightstand in every hotel. And Orafoura doesn’t appear in the Bible—though he may have disappeared into it.
When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.
My vanilla ice cream has chunks of vampire blood in it. Yum.
When somebody asks me if they can fix me a sandwich, I say, “No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.
He not only stood three inches taller than me, but I sold him two of those three inches. (The third inch I tossed in for free.)
I’m in the movie business. I tear ticket stubs.
Thank God for illegal products—because that’s where the largest percentages are made. Outlawing an industry immediately makes it a more profitable business to be in.
I’ll sell you one shoe for half off, since it’s half the set. But if you want the second shoe, it’ll cost you twice as much.
I want to open a 24-hour store called Closed. It’s open, and it’s Closed.
To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting a bad example.
I don’t own a cat. My cat owns a human.
I am the perfect snuggling companion. Ask any cat.
My mustache is cute and furry, like a cat.
How many indecisive people does it take to change the world? Just one. And then just one, the same one, to change it back.
It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.
I am the Chosen One. I know, because I chose myself, myself. But to be fair, it’s not like there was another choice. It was either to be me, or not to be. And I chose selfishly.
I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?
