Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty too. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal the brick. And because the brick won’t get stolen, it’s pro...

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But just like wearing your boxers on the outside of your pants, if you reverse them you get further in society. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick? 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me to my bed, to keep me from falling asleep. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could help me hold down a job. Hey, in an economy as bad as this, every little bit helps.  

Jarod Kintz

On is to no, as Dora J. Arod is to Dora J. Arod. And brick is to blanket, as Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick is a lot like love. I mean, I’m sure it is. It simply must be. However, I can’t think of how at the moment, but that’s natural, because I’m not Cupid. OK, here’s something: A brick has six sides, and love—wait, no, love only has f...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood. Or a car. 

Jarod Kintz

Brick” could be the name of a restaurant. But so could “Blah,” “Gruel,” and “A Taste of the Gulag.” 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all populations throughout time. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not right. I was confusing a brick with a blanket. It’s a blanket...

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be placed in the center of a silver platter, surrounded by leafy green garnishes to compliment the red of the brick, and frozen for the next time you have the in-laws over for dinner. I’d recommend eating before they arrive, because I...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all women who support me would be well advised get naked and get under the blanket. One at a time, please.  

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to hide my shame and cover my insecurities. But so could a camouflaged condom. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so clean you’d think it had been replaced with a new one. 

Jarod Kintz

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren't for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I'm perfectly willing to give them away for free.  

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. 

Jarod Kintz