Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

Jarod Kintz

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

Jarod Kintz

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

Jarod Kintz

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

Jarod Kintz

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

Jarod Kintz

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.

Jarod Kintz

I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.

Jarod Kintz

If I were an actor, I’d be so ordinary I could only be an extra. Still, I’d be extraordinary.


Jarod Kintz

My actions endangered countless lives, because zero is countless.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t know what the old you was like, but the new you, the older you than the old you, is new and fresh.


Jarod Kintz

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

Jarod Kintz

I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

Jarod Kintz

A father and son walked into a bar, and the bartender didn’t serve either because the one didn’t look old enough. And he was right. Who becomes a dad in middle school?

Jarod Kintz

Everyone should drink of me, but I shouldn’t be drunk by everyone. I should be drunk all by myself.

Jarod Kintz

Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

Jarod Kintz

America is a circus, and the politicians are the clowns.

Jarod Kintz

America is not a place, America is an idea—an idea that died along with my grandpa. And I’m sad to say I shot them both.


Jarod Kintz

If my clone were a painter, he’d be an impressionist.


Jarod Kintz

If I were a cave dweller, I wouldn’t draw on my living room walls like a caveman. No, I’d draw on my walls like Basquiat. Not a big difference aesthetically, but a huge difference in artistic credibility.


Jarod Kintz

By challenging the notion of what art is, Duchamp became a great artist. Also, Duchamp was a champion of Men’s Bathroom Attendants everywhere.


Jarod Kintz