Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.

Jarod Kintz

To be the best, you have to be willing to do what nobody does. And today, if nobody reads and nobody works hard, then you also have to give up reading and become lethargic to be successful.

Jarod Kintz

I think you know if you disappeared from my life I’d be upset, but ultimately I’d make myself a new invisible cloak, to replace the one you stole.

Jarod Kintz

We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the earth, and there’s a 50% chance there is, then somebody is going to get left out. And that somebody isn’t going to be me, even if I have to kill...

Jarod Kintz

When I think of the Middle Ages I think of castles, Catholicism, and taking your kids to soccer practice.

Jarod Kintz

If you want to see how fast I run, just give me a football helmet and notice how my helmet collects bug carcasses like a car bumper.

Jarod Kintz

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.

Jarod Kintz

The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).

Jarod Kintz

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.

Jarod Kintz

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

Jarod Kintz

You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.

Jarod Kintz

I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit. This was staggering considering when I went to bed it was just a sleepy town.

Jarod Kintz

I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).

Jarod Kintz

The time is now 3:34. Damn! I’m late for 3:33.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315. The number 315 confuses you, so you wonder, “Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

Jarod Kintz

A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.

Jarod Kintz

Have an apple. It’s bruised. I beat the hell out of it.

Jarod Kintz

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

Jarod Kintz

When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.

Jarod Kintz