My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?
My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.
I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.
The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.
Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a politician where money comes from, s/he would probably reply, “I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?
My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.
I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.
I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately.
Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists.
Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.
When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair.
I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.
A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for you, politicians won’t keep their word, but they will keep you hanging.
It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.
What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.
I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.
I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.
A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.
I need to protect myself from myself. And my clone.
I make love like a leprechaun, and I cuddle like a rainbow—after a shower.
I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).
