We made love like three seasons, but I didn’t fall.
I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).
I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.
My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.
I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?
Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.
On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.
Is the company you keep keeping you back?
Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves off your tree so he could peek in your second story bedroom window.
I visited my old haunt, but somehow without all my old friends there with me, the cemetery just wasn’t the same.
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.
I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.
I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.
I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.
The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.
The difference between me and a scientist is a little word called “Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.
Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.
It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.
The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of myself.
At their core, things are essentially good. Except apples. At their core, they are trash.
